Stupid world

I've been trying to maintain a positive attitude, because I hope it will brighten my day and also because my negative attitude has not gotten me where I want to be.

But I swear to fucking god, the universe has it in for me. It really does. There is only so much a person can take. There is only so much I can handle.

Why, when I have been sick and sleeping for about 2 days, and the only time I left the house was to go to the bus stop to pick up my kid, why is THAT the only time a person calls me about a job interview, and I miss the fucking message until this morning, at which point I call and find that while I am one of the strongest candidates, the job has already been filled. I almost cried on the phone, but managed to hold it together until I hung up.

Why does the world hate me? Why doesn't anything go right?

We are one of two houses on our street to still have our christmas decorations up. Who will win this war of attrition?

Dashed Expectations

So I went and got my hair colored and cut. Finally. I ended up going to a place nearby and there verdict is: Meh. Not so great.

I have super curly hair, which seems to be beyond the scope of most people to cut. I specifically ask for a stylist who cuts curly hair and then I tell them, "Please note that my hair will shrink by HALF when you cut it," and then I show them a picture of what I want my hair to look like, and then I generally end up with someone who cuts my hair too short and dries it to look like a giant mop. Or an old lady. Or they want to blow it out straight, which, o.k. every once in a while, but I never do that myself, so I need to see what my hair looks like when I'd just let it dry normally.

The last woman who cut my hair no longer works at the salon I go to [because I am going back there for color, not back to this place that was LAME LAME LAME. Well, it was fine. The people were nice, the color came out nice, except she didn't rinse it enough and I ended up with traces of color all over my white towel and she got my face AND back wet when she was shampooing me . . . really? That was shitty.] so I need someone who can cut curly hair.

Which shouldn't seem like such a big deal, but it has become the overriding concern of my life.

I woke up last night around 3 not feeling well. Which, because it was the middle of the night & I was so so so tired, ended up morphing into not feeling well + panic attack. I hate that.

I woke the husband, who, to his credit, didn't immediately say, "You're mental, take it down a notch." He did manage to go back to sleep awfully quickly. And snore so loudly I almost harmed him physically.

I watched really bad t.v. with the cats & was scared by the paper guy delivering our NYT at 4:30.

And now I'm way tired and hope I can get some rest. If the husband snores again, I CANNOT be held responsible for my actions.

Today I made bacon by baking it in the oven on a baking sheet & IT IS AWESOME!! I'm kind if sad/glad I only had one package of bacon, because otherwise I would have just continued baking as many packages as were in the fridge. Even if it is not Halal & I will be sent to hell. Because BACON! So fucking good.

I hope there are a few pieces left for dinner (bacon & cheese turkeyburgers. That's totally healthy, right? Ground turkey?).

Juxtaposition

I tend to be very, very finicky about things, wanting them just so. Sometimes it's for convenience, sometimes it's OCD, sometimes it's just fucking mental.

For example:

My shampoo must be on the right edge of the tub and my conditioner on the left. Always. Do not mix them up or I will be very, very vocally angry.

All my towels have to be folded in a specific fashion and then put away with the open edges facing the back and sides of the linen closet and they must be stacked according to color and size. Like a pyramid. Or the baby jesus will cry.

The dishes must go in the dishwasher facing right. If someone has placed them in facing left, or, god forbid, haphazardly, I have to take all of them out and re-place them. No matter if the rack is almost full. All come out, all go back in. The right way.

HOWEVER, I have absolutely no preference for which way the toilet paper is placed on the toilet paper dispenser. Over? Under? On the back of the toilet? Who gives a shit. There are more important things to worry about.

Like who put the salad forks in the slot the dinner forks are supposed to go in. That is fucked up and WILL NOT be tolerated.

Morose

I've been walking around all day, alternately screaming and telling myself to take deep breaths.

I hate these days, where I don't feel like I've accomplished anything in my life, and I will accomplish nothing in the future. I can't even stand to be around myself.

Days like today I realize I need to get my shit in order. But it's hard for me to feel like anything I'm doing is making any difference. From the smallest thing [making dinner] to the largest thing [contacting people about job possibilities] to those in-between things that seem to grow and grow and grow as days pass [where the hell am I getting my hair done? WHERE????], I don't feel like I can look at myself and say, "Good job. You did your best." Because is it my best when I'm constantly berating myself?

Fucking life.

The girl got many Barnes & Noble gift cards for her birthday, which thrilled her.

The Girl: I don't know what kinds of books I want to get. There are so many choices. I think I'll get some Manga & also some history books. Like on the 1920s or 1990s.

Like when I graduated from college? Ugh.

So I've been driving 45 minutes one way to get my hair cut & colored for the past 2 years. For one year it was not a big deal, because the salon is in the city I worked in. I was there anyway so an extra hour or two for cut & color not an issue. Plus, I have horrible anxiety so when something works I stick with it. I love the stylist. I love the salon. I love the no tipping policy because money is very very tight.

Except. I hate to drive. And I especially hate to drive on the winter. So it's been a constant struggle with making & cancelling appointments & debating driving out versus just finding another salon nearby.

I had an appointment this morning. I ended up cancelling because I didn't want to drive AND the husband has to work today AND the girl is having her birthday party today which is a slumber party for TEN OTHER GIRLS and I needed to get stuff ready.

But mostly I didn't want to drive.

And now, after making calls & worrying about color matching and sweet Jesus how expensive is this? I can't get back in to see my stylist for like 2 weeks.

Stupid problem, but it is fucking making me mental.

Ok I take Tylenol pretty much 3-4 times a week. So HAPPY to hear about the recall. Fuckers.

And I just bought some more. That's going back. Hello, Motrin my new friend.

It's the girl's 13 th birthday today. I am old.

I'm getting my car washed!!!

You wouldn't think this was exciting unless you live where there is snow & salt. Then it's sadly exciting. First decent day & the cars are lined up at 11:20 am.

This wouldn't be a problem- wait, yes it would be because I hate waiting. BUT. It's worse now because I have to pee.

At least I can post on my blog. That'll take my mind off my urine. At least until the rushing water starts.

I've made a huge mistake

The girl turns 13 this week. THIRTEEN! Holy shit! A teenager! In my house!

Anyway, I'm trying to cone up with gifts. One idea is a magazine subscription.

We already get Marie Claire ($5 deal with something else, I forget what) and she gets Muse, Nat Geo, and Game Informer.

While MC is definitely adult, I like it miles better than other chick mags, & I let the girl read it (edited, of course). But I want to get her a teen girl mag. Man, they are horrible. Somehow worse to me than adult chick mags
I'm thinking Teen Voices. Maybe Girl's Life.

Any suggestions? Besides Tiger Beat?

This morning I opened the door to get the paper. There were no footprints anywhere in the snow surrounding the house, but the paper was right there on my welcome mat. I think my paperboy has hover technology. How awesome is that?

Confession: If I do something that is not in my ToDo list, I will ADD that something so I can cross it off. Because I am insane and need to feel productive ALL the time.

Happy What?

Oh, yeah, Happy New Year.

I think I'm kind of drunk. I drank 1/3 of a Red Stripe starting at about 4:30pm and have been giggly and bouncy for the past couple of hours. Also bumping into things.

And I spent the day being thwarted - how does no store of the two I went to manage to have a circular 7mm knitting needle? Bitches.

I've been trying to better myself this new year. I'm pushing myself outside my comfort zone [how dumb does that sound? I should give seminars]. I also am trying to take a photo every day. So far I'm 2 for . . . what's today? The 5th? 2/5 - that's not so great a percentage, but at least I'm trying. And I've been playing SuperMario Brothers like a badass.

O.k., I'm going to see how much more of the really, sadly warm Red Stripe I can drink before I lose all sorts of control. I'm thinking two more sips.