You may want to skip this post. It's not funny.

I spent this weekend watching/listening to what's going on in Egypt.

I tend to be on sabbatical when it comes to the news, because I am so fucking tired of feeling so fucking helpless to change anything.

Yes, I voted for Barack Obama, because I hoped for change.  And I got it.  Somewhat.  But not enough to suit me.

And yes, I'll vote for him again, because I know that at least a little bit of the good is better than a lot of the bad.

But it doesn't make this anger and frustration at the status quo go away.  We'd be far better off if, say, Rahm Emmanuel got to say what [& how] he wanted to say stuff and keep people in line rather than move to the center - which is not the center, but actually the right.

How do I know?

Because I'm the center.  I'm not a crazy PETA loving vegan who doesn't believe in personal responsibility [or showering].

I'm a parent who can't believe my kid gets to grow up in a country that is flushing its resources away, a country where the haves are always going to be the haves and the have nots are just going to try and do better but instead end up worse and watch t.v. and eat crappy food to dull the pain of living in a house that keeps losing its value because the neighbors can't afford their house payments anymore because the only jobs are in the service sector and $7/hour does not maintain a family.

So I've been watching what's been going on in Egypt [on Al Jazeera's English channel, which has the husband convinced we're now on some watch list.  Dude, I'm sure we already were.] because I am hopeful that if enough people get sick enough of something they will foment change. That the people in charge will stop thinking about what's best for them, individually [re-election, coalescing their wealth] and think about what's best for everyone.  And that the people who can act do so.

I'm not asking for a revolution, I'm simply asking for people to stop being so selfish. 

I don't think that's a lot.

Because you are curious

I was asked by the lovely, delightful, super-fantastic Andygirl of Crazy with a Side of Awesome Sauce and my partner in crime at our Raw Photos Contest to contribute to her Sexy Saturdays column.

Which I did gladly, because if there's one thing there's not enough of on the internet, it's my thoughts on sex.  Which I give, in the wittily titled Ask and You Shall Receive.  It's about toffee.  Oh, no.  Wait.  It's about sex.

So go, take a read.  Follow my darling Andygirl on Twitter & follow her blog & do that thing with Facebook and, you know, revel in her awesomeness.

Let's Talk About Fun Stuff

I am generally not a TV watcher.  Even during the STUPIDLY COLD WINTER CRAZY WEATHER WE ARE HAVING OH MY GOD, MOTHER NATURE AND GLOBAL WARMING STOP HAVING A CHICKEN FIGHT FOR MY VERY SOUL.  Anyway, I watch very little tv, but there are some shows I think you need to start watching, because I like you, and I want to talk to you about them:

Cougar Town.  Oh, I know, I know.  Dumbest title in the history of titles.  And I get that maybe Courtney Cox on a tv show makes you think Friends, and you've seen it all.  BUT!  BUT!  Watch this show, because it is hilarious.  Smartly hilarious.  Seriously.  Smart, witty banter about a grown up group of friends who aren't evil or hateful or solving crimes in their spare time.  It's great!  Courtney Cox has a giant wine glass she had a funeral for when it broke.  This is genius.

Community.  Are you watching this?  WHY NOT?  It's about a douchey lawyer who has to go back to college because he lied about graduating.  It's great.  Also smart and funny.  And Troy and Abed are the most amazing couple on tv since Bert and Ernie.  [Their version of Bert and Ernie is brilliant. (YouTube)]

Raising Hope.  This is another comedy that I love.  A guy has a one night stand with a serial killer, whom he impregnates.  She is tried, found guilty, and gets the chair.  He gets their kid [originally named Princess Beyonce; yes, they are white] and decides to raise her with help/hindrance from his parents and great-grandma [the brilliant Chloris Leachman, who would give Betty White a run for her money.].  Again, really smart, really funny.

Please watch these shows so I can talk about them with someone during this new Ice Age! What do you recommend?  I'll watch if you will.

Blogger Love

It's like Otter Love, but less furry.

If you don't have children, or have been unlucky enough to never have watched Bear in the Big Blue House, I beg you to click on that video.  Seriously.  This is best children's show in the history of kid's shows, and this song?  Is why.

But I digress.

The lovely and talented Magnolia has selected me [among others, but, you know, I'm sure I was the favorite] to give seven random facts about myself.

Because I am all about random.

Here we go:

1.  One of the first things the husband gave me was a cassette [a cassette!] of Ice Cube's The Predator. I loved it and listened to it constantly.  Wicked is our song.

Not to be confused with either the Wicked soundtrack OR any of Ice Cube's later works, like Are We There Yet?

2. I loathe the use of / taste of dill in anything but dill pickles, and even then, they have to be the right kind of dill pickles - not too dilly.  Ugh.  I just made myself shudder.

3.  I am not a car person. 

4.  I love red and black plaid skirts.  At one point in my life, I had 7 of them.  All different, but all red and black plaid. 

5.  My favorite treat is cheesecake.  Kind of sweet but tangy.  WAIT!  OOOOH.  Popcorn.  Hot, home popped, buttery, salty popcorn. I have no control when it comes to that stuff.

6.  I have a lot of postcards, and at one point even purchased postcard stamps, but have yet to send them out to people.  I should start doing that.  Do you want a postcard?

7.  I am not pleased with this aspect of my personality, but I am so judgmental about people's misuse of grammar, that even when they are writing something emotional or super personal & raw, I still judge.  I'm probably going to hell.

And the runner up and winner is . . .

Thank you all for voting.


The finalist for the Raw Photos YOUR BEST contest is:



by psychmamma


And the winner:



by spenc_parker_2009

Congratulations to Psychmamma and Spenc_Parker_2009.  Your photography skills are amazing.

Andygirl will have a button for you to place proudly on your website!

Information Gathering

We've been getting the daily New York Times, which I like, because I like to have the news delivered to me in paper format so I can get ink on my fingers and do the crossword puzzle in ink and also maybe read something besides The Arts.  Except I read the paper every day for a week and it was too depressing:

Now THAT is a crime boss.

• Tunisia! [Wow - what the hell? People setting themselves ON FIRE to protest?  They must be beyond miserable.  And yes, it was a relatively bloodless turn over of power, but jeepers, what the hell?  Everyone's resigning?]
• Baby Doc Duvalier! [Oh, Haiti.  I can't even . . . so many atrocities.  I still can't believe people were CHEERING this monster's return.]
• Mob arrests! [I had no idea that there were that many mobsters still active.  Let's also have a moment of silence for my lover, Mr. John Gotti, the Teflon Don.]
• The banks want a piece of Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac! [Um, fuckers, isn't that how we got into this?]
• 25% of people still believe that vaccines cause autism. [That doctor who fabricated this information deserves a special place in hell.]

 So I've decided that I can't read that much news at once.  And by at once, I mean I can't handle all this bad news.  So I've decided to just go back to reading The Arts and maybe looking at the headlines but not reading the articles and doing my puzzle and getting all my news from Wonkette, because at least they will add the commentary that I so desperately need.

Finally! The Finalists!

They're here! The Raw Photo Contest finalists from the reader's choice theme of YOUR BEST!

Again, I am SO VERY GLAD that you all have so much talent and that I wasn't forced to pick the winner, because I'd be fetal right about now. Yup. Fetal.

Without further ado, and in no particular order, here are the finalists:





by spenc_parker_2009
Just gorgeous.  I love this shot - the framing, the colors, the darkness.




by psychmamma
Wow.  I can just feel my tongue getting stuck to one of those poles.  LOOK AT THE ICE!




by Bitchin' Amy
This is nothing short of amazing. What a shot to capture - what a perfect summation of a thunderstorm.




by steffsux
This makes me dizzy, it's so beautiful and haunting.  I love the perspective.




by Hssheldon
This brilliant color captures the sunset so perfectly.

Thanks to everyone who entered, and everyone who voted.

PT-FUCK-A [UPDATED for Throat Punch Thursday!]

I am generally a person who likes to help others.  I'm not going to kick a person when she's down, even if she really, really deserves it.  I may be bitchy and snarky and find myself superior to most mortals, but when it comes right down to it, I'm that person who will do what needs to be done.

And I have had enough of it when it comes to the PTA.

Years ago, when the girl was a tot, I was president of her cooperative preschool.  If you don't know what that is, it's a preschool where there is a paid teacher and the rest of the jobs are done by the families.  There is a board which handles licensing, fundraising, educational compliance, etc.  It's a business run by moms.

And it was, without a doubt, the best thing for my daughter.  And ultimately the worst thing for me.

Because the president?  Gets shit on.  ALL THE TIME.  In every direction.  No one is happy.  And the best you can hope for is that people will respect you for doing your job and leave you the fuck alone.  And being someone what wants to do the job right and have everything go well?  Yeah, that makes it really, really hard.

It so soured me on school groups that I did not become a part of the girl's elementary school PTA board.  I just chaired some committees and volunteered when I wanted to. 

It was working fine, until I was asked to be the PTA president for the girl's last year of middle school.  I didn't want to, but after giving it some thought, and listening to the pleas of the old board & president, I said o.k.

What a huge fucking mistake.

It has been a non-stop shit storm of cranky people and incompetent people and things not getting done and everything ending up in my lap - my lap that is already full with a 1.5 hour round trip daily commute to a shitty temp job where my soul is being pummeled while I'm trying to find a permanent job and maybe take care of myself and my family and this house that seems like it just creates more stuff while I'm gone.

I am tired of:

• Being nice to people who are being rude to me.
• Being nice to people who are incompetent.
• Being nice to people who refuse to step up.
• Being the person who gets frantic calls and emails at work. [Although I don't mind the interruption, I do mind that I'm expected to magically fix stuff.  I am not Albus Dumbledore.]
• Being ultimately responsible for everything.  EVERYTHING.  
• Being expected to handle what no one else will handle.
• Being expected to know what's going on for every single aspect of this school of 900+ kids.
• Bearing the brunt of dissatisfaction because things don't run smoothly.  It's not my fault that grown ups can't act like grown ups and do what they say they're going to do.  And there is absolutely nothing I can do about there not being any hot chocolate when I'm 45 minutes away.  FIX IT YOURSELF. 

I have a meeting tonight.  I am very, very close to telling everyone to fuck off.  Very close. We'll see what happens.

Wish me luck.  Or at least the ability to keep my mouth closed.

************
In other, more pleasant and less foul news, I have a new post up at Secret Society of List Addicts.  Go.  It's 100% less PTA intensive.

What is UP?

• I've been listening to Jonathon Strange and Mr. Norrel.  I'd do a review of it, but all I can say is that the reader has a nice, soothing British voice, and it makes really good background noise.  I think it's about magicians in Victorian [Edwardian?] England.  It could be about Key Lime Pie. Also, it's 26 discs.  I don't think I'm going to finish it.
• It's been so fucking cold that I've been starving.  At least I think that my body is trying to add calories so I don't freeze.  It may just be that bread is too enticing right now.  Also the cream cheese frosting I made.  For the brownies I also made.  Fudgy brownies with chocolate chunks.
• I don't drink anymore [it doesn't sit well with me and wreaks havoc on my pancreas; when a friend asked me why I don't drink anymore, I said I was full.  Which is kind of true.  I drank a LOT.], but I had a sip of the husband's Guinness and it was as hearty and tasty as I remembered.  Can you get drunk on a sip?  Or am I just ridiculous on my own?
• I've had something of a reading binge, if by that I mean I've read one book and started another in the past two weeks.  I read Stephen King's Full Dark, No Stars, which was very good.  I like his short stories.  And I really liked the last one.  I also started reading Deb on Arrival:  Live at Five.  Don't judge me.
• I realized I have been wearing the same purple and pink sweaters to work every week because I don't feel like digging through my clothing.  Odds are very, very good, that this week you will see me wear my purple argyle sweater on Tuesday or Wednesday.  It just happens that way.

What's up with you?  

Friday Flip Offs

I haven't done this in a while. Let's get right to it:

Flip Off Subzero Windchill. My boogers are instantly freezing in my nose when I step outside. That is just not right.

Flip Off 24 Hours in a Day. It's just not long enough. Hence posting from my iPhone. Although that is pretty cool.

Flip Off Not Being Able to Put the Friday Flip Off Badge on My Post. Because I am not that talented.

Flip Off Those Stupid, Painful Whiteheads I Keep Getting Around My Nostrils. Those fucking things HURT. Bastards.

What's pissing you off today?

(I am pleased it's finally sunny today. Negative degrees, but sunny.)

Do you even have to ask?

10 Reasons Why I Could Never Be Friends With...

Guess Who.

Yup.

GP.

That's . . . flattering.

1.  RUINING Glee.  I am still so pissed about that first episode, and now she is going to be back on, as threatened.  I don't even know what I'll do when that episode airs, my anger and indignation will be so immense.

Yeah.  You're AWESOME.  Really.

2.  "Singing" country music.  Leave that to Reese Witherspoon.  Who actually deserved her Oscar.

"I know, Joaquin - I mean, Johnny.  Who does that skank think she is?"

3.  Fucking Goop.  Honest to god.  "I cannot recommend the 21-day version [of a CLEANSE] enough."  That is not only horrific, it's dangerous.  Go back to eating your raw food diet in private, please.  Now where's my steak?  You need to have one, too, GP, because you are looking pasty.  Have some iron.

4.  That smugness.

5.  Telling you to get £100 boots for your KID.  I know that's another GOOP thing, but it's like she's begging me to take her on for every. single. thing. she does there.  Who spends £100 on a child's shoe and thinks its ok to tell the masses that this is a good idea.  At least Oprah has a Good Things show where she'll give her stuff away to the audience.  Evidently GP wants you to sell a kidney. [Thanks to GrandeMocha for this.]

6.  Ruining SNL, which I don't even watch because A) I'm not a fan, and B) It's on past my bedtime, unless I'm hanging out with friends, at which point it is sometimes still past my bedtime and I fall asleep on the couch while ostensibly being part of the conversation, but it still pisses me off, because she thinks she FUNNY now, too.  Which she is most assuredly not.

I don't know who these people are, but they deserve better.

7.  Riding in on Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck's coattails [as well as her parents' & her godfather, Stephen Spielberg's].  Brad Pitt, what the fuck were you thinking? Although what with crazy Angelina Jolie, I guess I get it.  But also?  BEN. AFFLECK? That guy?

Huh.  He is not as hot as I remembered.  Have at him.

8.  Saying Tom Cruise is an amazing kisser.  Seriously?

9. Pissing about the press while whoring yourself for attention.  Just shut it.

10.  Making me spend this much time on someone I find so offensive.

It seems I'm not alone in my disdain.

PS!  There is a lovely, lovely thing going on on Twitter: #PaltrowAdvice.  So. Awesome.  Try your hand at it!

Wednesday in Pictures

I love this photo.  It's part of an art installation, but I took a close up of these reeds. They made a really haunting sound.

Done and Done

The girl's high school applications are finally done.  I feel like we've been working on them since she was in kindergarten.  Maybe we have been.

I was listening to the insane religious radio station on my commute home the other day [because I find it bizarrely compelling, like a traffic accident or 16 & Pregnant] and the guest was a "brilliant scientist" who USED to be an evolutionist but then saw the light and is now an ardent creationist.

Because. Yeah.

ANYWAY, the host was talking about how he had heard about some "weird" theory that time was not linear but could bend in on itself and exist over and over again so that, in effect, people could see into the future.  The scientist said, sure, that's a physicists' theory, that time exists in many dimensions, but in fact only god exists in many dimensions, not people's theories and experiences of time, which is strictly linear.  The host then said, [and while I have been paraphrasing before, this is an exact quote, because it imprinted itself on my brain, it was so . . . so . . . so] "I'm looking for a real, logical explanation.  You know, like the devil's trickery or evil spells.  But this idea that time bends in on itself? That's crazy."

I.

I don't even know.

Anyway, the girl's applications are done.  If I could see into the future, I could tell you now where she got in and what our decision was about where she's going.  I feel some trickery afoot, so we may not have to wait too long to find out.  You know.

*************

On a completely different note, I have words of interest on pampering myself up at Secret Society of List Addicts.  Go. 

Let's Just Ease into Our Week, Shall We?

It was a long ass weekend, people.  Long.  Ass.  So I'm losing my ability to string together coherent thoughts.  I'll let you do that for me.

1. Beer or wine or hard liquor? [Beer or liquor, on the Haley's Comet like occasions when I drink anymore.  Wine makes me headachey.]

2.  Do you prefer Twitter or blogging to get your brilliance across to the masses?  [Blogging.  Because I am a wordy motherfucker.]

3.  How much do you hate Facebook and the fact that people you don't like pester you to friend them?  A little or with a fiery passion? [Fiery passion.]

4.  Orange or green as the world's most annoying color?  Or do you have another one that you find even more offensive? [Green.  It makes me tense.]

5.  What are the odds, when you decide you need to do something, that you will actually follow through in a timely manner? [Slim to none.  Seriously.  I haven't had pictures up in my bedroom in 6 years.  SIX YEARS. And I am 0-15 for going to work out so far this year.]

6.  Would you ever wear a puffy parka?  How could would it have to be for you to look like the Michelin Man? [I owned one of those coats and wore it maybe a dozen times in 8 or 9 years before I finally gave it away.  Wool for me, thanks, even to subzero temps.]

What have you got for me friends?

You have GOT to see this

People.

It's amazing.

Have you SEEN the incredible entries in this month's YOUR BEST Raw Photos Contest?

What are you waiting for?

Submissions are closed, BUT! You can still be part of this.

How?

It's reader's choice!

It's up to you!

*** You look at these incredible photos [seriously - how is there this much talent?] here.

*** You pick your top three from the ENTIRE POOL of photos [try and pick at least one from this last week.  I know, believe me, it's going to be hard to just pick three] [and yes, you can pick your own].

*** You leave a comment on this post OR on Andygirl's site, including the title of the photo & photographer [if it's not titled, describe it and include the photo number, if there is one].

*** You have one week.  Voting ends on Saturday.

After that, we tally the votes and YOU have picked the winner.

Go! Look! Vote!

They Walk Alike, They Talk Alike, They Even Wear Their Hair Alike*

The husband and I have been together for a while.  Our 15th anniversary is in a few months.  We dated and lived together for 4 years before that. 

We have a history.

What we also have?

A tendency to wear the SAME CLOTHES.

By this I don't mean I'll borrow his shirt or he'll put on my sweats.

What I mean is this:

I'll get up in the morning and shower.  I'll go in our room and I'll get ready and the husband will be in his bathroom [No, we don't have two spacious his and her's bathroom wings, we're not that fancy - he's taken over the bathroom in the basement - no, he's not showering on a cement slab with Lava soap, it's a really nice bathroom] getting ready and I'll leave for work, yelling goodbye to him, and when we get home in the evening, we find we're both wearing, say, a gray shirt and black pants. 

Or, as we're headed to visit the in-laws, we'll have been in the car for a couple of hours and realize we are both wearing white t-shirts and khaki shorts. 

Or a black sweater and khaki pants.

We evidently see our married life as a series of field trips where we have to wear matching t-shirts with the school logo so we can find each other in case one of us gets lost.

--------------------------
* A big fat high five to whoever knows what this title is from.

The Awkward Teenage Years

When I was about 14 or so, my life became a train wreck. 

For lots of reasons, but mostly because who I wanted to be was not who my parents wanted me to be.  Everyone goes through this rebellion, I know.  It was awful and exasperating and I hated every minute of it.  There was a lot of animosity on my part and relations between my parents and me were strained for a long time.

When the husband and I had the girl, we [half] jokingly discussed sending her away to boarding school for the awkward teenage years, so we wouldn't have to deal with her. 

The girl turns 14 in a few days.

We are now in the process of applying to boarding schools.

We're doing this for a lot of reasons. Not because we don't want to deal with her, but because we want her to have the opportunities we never had. Mostly. And partly because, you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Distance has become important in our relationship.

I have come to understand, these past couple of weeks, that I get along A LOT better with the girl if I don't directly talk to her about stuff.  I kind of circle around and play hard to get and let her come to me.  Like a wary kitten or something.

This saddens me.  A lot.  Because the girl and were CLOSE.  So very, very close.  Talk about everything all the time close.  And I know that the point of her growing up and becoming her own person is that she has to distance herself from me.  I know this intellectually, but emotionally it's hard to deal with.  I love my kid and I want what's best for her and I want us to keep talking and talking and talking.

But I guess I have to settle for loving her and wanting what's best for her and waiting. 

Waiting for her to come home to me.

Wednesday in Pictures

This is what we do when we get together with my cousins.  Well, I do.  The husband is not a card player, as he feels he is unlucky.  Except for Euchre.  But I think that's just because Euchre can be played by decidedly unsober people and so is easy for anyone to play.  Except me.  Because I can never remember what is trump.

*************

Don't forget to enter Your Best photo in our Raw Photos Contest!  Submit photos here. 

Be sure to caption your work so people can vote!

Questions? Email the Suniverse (thesueniverse at gmail dot com) or Andygirl (awesomecrazylady at gmail dot com)

Skirting the issue of the workplace. By talking about stuff besides the job.

I tend not to talk about work much or at all because ugh ugh ugh.  Work.  Also, nobody wants to get fired.

However, there are a few things about work that have been bugging me.  Since they are not about the job, I figure they are o.k. to discuss.

POINT 1.  Our wing of offices is at the end of a long hall.  Down this hall, there are several other doorways that open onto other office suites.  For some reason, the hallway immediately outside our office suite, which is blank wall for quite some space, collects weird smells.  Thus far, there has been:

• Super-concentrated chicken broth
• Popcorn
• Windex
• Strident B.O.
• Orange juice
• Vomit
• Musty

I'm not sure why or how these smells occur.  I am particularly perplexed when, say, the scent of chili is present and half an hour later, the smell of lavender permeates the hall. The smells are complete.  Like you are walking into a giant room of saltines.  Weird.

POINT 2.  I do not necessarily consider myself a super-friendly person, but I think it's only polite to say hello to people when you pass them in the hallway.  I can always tell the people who work in my wing because they are the ones who seem to have difficultly with basic human contact.  If someone says hi to me, I know immediately that they work in another office.  Because I am perverse, I have made it my business to be obnoxiously and aggressively friendly to the people who skitter down the hallway, avoiding contact.

POINT 3.  Our office is business casual, and it will never cease to amaze me the different meaning this term has for different people.  Some people wear sweaters or button down shirts and jackets and work pants.  Others show up in leggings and sweatshirts.  Unless your business is teaching people what Downward Facing Dog looks like, leave the yoga pants at home.

That's what I've got today.  Tune in tomorrow for another episode of As the Suniverse Turns.

****************

It's RAW PHOTOS CONTEST TIME!!!  Submissions are OPEN and will close January 15.

Next week, you'll be able to vote and PICK THE WINNER!

In case you forgot or are new, here are the rules for submissions. 

Submit photos here.  Be sure to caption your work so people can vote!
We can't wait to see them! And to find out who wins!

Questions? Email the Suniverse (thesueniverse at gmail dot com) or Andygirl (awesomecrazylady at gmail dot com)

*****************

I have a new post up at Secret Society of List Addicts.  It's awesome, of course.  All about jobs.  But in a completely different way than this post.  Because I, in fact, talk about jobs.

Listen to Me - Henrietta Lacks and the Virgin Blue

Since my commute is what seems like a thousand hours long, I thought I'd share what I'm reading/listening to with you. Because I'm a giver.

******************

It's a twofer!

The last time I was at the library, I had an audiobook on hold, which is handy, because sometimes you want to listen to fiction, sometimes non-fiction and sometimes you just need to jam out to Kanye West [she IS a gold digger!  It's true!].

I don't THINK Kanye was talking about Oprah, but you never can tell with him.

 Where was I?

Oh.

I had an audiobook on hold - The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, which I had been dying to read, but knew I wouldn't get to, what with the holidays and actually having to read this month's book club book [Remains of the Day - I like the movie better] because I picked it and am hosting the gathering and so I probably should read it, right?  So I got the audiobook of that, and I also picked up Tracy Chevalier's The Virgin Blue, because I liked Girl with The Pearl Earring, and as I mentioned, I need variety in my audiobook world.

While the books are wildly different, they shared a uniformity in that listening to them SUCKED. ASS.

Oh, my god.  It was horrible.


Henrietta Lacks was so bad I couldn't get 1/2 way through the first disc.  It has two readers, Cassandra Campbell and Bahni Turpin, neither of which are able to hold my attention in a positive way.  I wanted to smack Campbell, particularly when she attempted any type of southern accent - it was like listening to Joey on Friends do his Italian accent:

JOEY: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally.
PHOEBE: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.
JOEY: They actually said that?

Heehee.  Remember when Joey pretended to be 19? "What's up with your whack PlayStation playing?"

Yeah.  That bad.

All I kept thinking when I heard Turpin as Lacks' daughter was, "She's not so bad.  Why wouldn't they have HER do the whole thing?" so I couldn't even focus on what she was saying.

I may check the book out and try and read it.  I'll have to wait until time does its trick and erases this bitter, stinky memory from my brain.

Worse by a THOUSAND times was The Virgin Blue. 

How could it be that much worse, you wonder?  Allow me to explain - not only were the readers a fucking mess, the book itself? SO TERRIBLE.  It honestly made me question whether or not I actually liked Girl with a Pearl Earring, or if was perhaps hopped up on goofballs and just thought I enjoyed it.  I'm too afraid to find out.  I don't want to waste anymore time on this mess.

The readers were - well, one sounded like a cut-rate Julie Andrews [don't even try and listen, you know who, or your crush on her will evaporate] and she told the story of Isabelle, the 15th century Frenchwoman fleeing religious persecution as a . . . I don't know, either a Protestant or Catholic.  I was so disinterested, I couldn't keep it straight.  She was married to a boor and they called her La Russe because of her red hair which was blah blah blah something and then there was a color blue which was about the Virgin Mary which could have been engaging, particularly since I minored in art history [because I am nothing if not prepared for a life of cocktail parties and small talk], but which was stripped of any interest by the tedium of the story.

I don't know.  I mean I guess this blue is cool.  I'm more a fan of purple, myself.

And the other reader . . . oh, god, the other reader.

You know Terri Gross on NPR?  That smug, self-satisfied throaty-laughing sycophant who hosts Fresh Air and makes you wonder why you're listening to NPR instead of, say, Chuck and Bob's Big Ball Fest in the Morning because you'd be equally irritated?

That's what she sounded like. 

And her character irritated me in every possible way. 

A whiny American living in a tiny town in France who is INSULTED! and SURPRISED! and TAKEN ABACK! that the tiny village's inhabitants would wonder about her and discuss her and oh, yeah, she HAD AN AFFAIR and PSORIASIS and ONLY WORE LINEN and ugh.  She was that awful, awful person you avoid at all costs when you see her across the library or store or park.  I'm not sure if that was Chevalier's intent, but it was so bad that I could not even finish it.  I was on disc 8 of 9 and just said, "You know what?  I don't care what happens to either of these people.  They are that boring."

So I can't give you a complete review of either book, since I didn't technically finish either book.  I can state, unequivocally, that you would be better off listening to static.  It would be less tiresome.

It's On

The Raw Photos Contest is here!  Yes! AGAIN! AND FINALLY!!

This month's contest is a little different in that it's all about . . . YOU. 

YOUR BEST.

Send in YOUR BEST work.

Just like usual, YOU submit your photos.

BUT!  This time, YOU will get to decide which photo is the winner.
 
It's People's Choice, without all the Justin Beiber! 

Power to the people, indeed.

Submissions start TODAY and will close January 15.  Then next week, you'll be able to vote and PICK THE WINNER!

In case you forgot or are new, here are the rules for submissions. 

Submit photos here.  Be sure to caption your work so people can vote!
We can't wait to see them! And to find out who wins!

Questions? Email the Suniverse (thesueniverse at gmail dot com) or Andygirl (awesomecrazylady at gmail dot com)

GOOD LUCK!

I'm Already Sick of Thinking About This

I use a bite guard thingy at night when I sleep.  I'm a horrible tooth grinder during the day - I've loosened a molar! - and evidently it's worse when you sleep.

See, the thing is, I got this bite guard about 10 or so years ago.  And I haven't really dealt with it much since.

I took it into the dentist yesterday afternoon because I was having pain when I bit down and he wanted to make sure blah blah blah.

Long story short, it wasn't the bite guard, but he did clean it for me for the first time in about 8 years.  He warned that it may not fit right, but I was scattered and kind of like o.k., dude, just get me out of here as quick as you can.

And of course, after putting it in what the hygienist termed an industrial type solvent "that'll burn your skin if you touch it" he got most of the gunk off.

So of course, the fucking thing now can be slipped off my teeth.

He offered to try and fix it with some weird orthodontic plastic that might work but that could sting my gums.

I stopped him right there.

No. Fucking. Way.

So I'm back there this morning because he has some of the same type of plastic molding stuff, but it wasn't at the office yesterday and blah blah blah.

So I'm starting out 2011 NOT FUCKING CALM like I wanted to, but in turmoil with a roiling belly and a distinct fear that my lips and gums are going to be flayed off with chemicals.

And oh, yeah, I have a job interview this afternoon.  Which doesn't help with the calm.

I think I need to stay away from the doctor's office and the dentist's office and just to be on the safe side the optometrist's office because they are fucking killing me.

Dead.

Out with the Angst, in with . . . something else, please.

1.) Choose a word that encompasses 2010 and describe why. What word will you choose as your theme for 2011?

Oh, holy fuck.  What word would encompass 2010? 

How about angst?

This has been an angsty year.

Angst about money.

Angst about the girl.

Angst about my health.

Angst about my future.

Angst about jobs. 

Angst about being angsty.

It's exhausting, really, being that angsty.

So my word for 2011 is . . . what's the opposite of angst?  Calm?  Relaxed?  Medicated?

I'm still trying to pick one. 

I think I'll go with calm.  I like calm.  It's so . . . peaceful.

The Suniverse Returns, Part 3: Back to Life, Back to Reality.

UPDATED: So evidently Blogger likes to fuck with me.  This was supposed to post this morning.  Evidently I'm not good enough for Blogger to do WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO.  Bastards.  Enjoy.

************

The whirl of the holidays, when it's not making me so very, very tired, or cranking me up like a nutcase, lets me down when with a thunk when it's over.

I love that whirl.  That chaos.  That moment of possibility.

Plus, it's just fun to have a lot going on, right?  Where normal rules don't apply?  You can do shots in the morning and make a ribbon and bow tiara to wear during the day and make three kinds of potatoes for one meal and it's fine!  Just fine!

Until it ends.  And reality sets in.  Plain, dull reality with its bills to pay and three square meals and a job that expects you to show up if you want to be paid.  So you can turn around and pay your aforementioned bills instead of buying something pretty and sparkly.

That smack of reality is often made worse by the dreaded New Year's Resolution.

Too fucking right, Calvin.  Too fucking right.

I tend not to make New Year's resolutions because I don't like feeling bad about myself [I do that enough without prompting, thanks].  Still, I DO think of things I'd like to accomplish in the coming year.  I don't say them out loud.  I still manage not to keep them, but it's less painful to not accomplish something you only THOUGHT about rather than something you told other people you were going to do and then they hold you accountable or at the very least look at you sideways and give you the stink eye.

But because I am a giver, and I needed a topic for today's post, here are some NON-New Year's Resolutions I've already blown so far:

• Being kinder to myself and others.  Sure.  I would easily do this if that idiot knew how to drive.  Or that jackass stopped STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE WITH HIS FUCKING CART OH MY GOD, OTHER PEOPLE EXIST, ASSHOLE.  Also, my default setting is to judge myself very, very harshly, so I judge myself for not being kinder to myself and then I feel bad for judging myself for not being kinder and do you see this vicious cycle?  I can't win.  I was dead in the water before I started.
• Go to the gym.  I'm 0 for 4 so far.  I'm hoping tonight's the night, but we'll see. [UPDATE:  Surprise, surprise, it wasn't.] I don't want to be a fanatic about it, but I do want to be healthier.  I guess I shouldn't JUDGE MYSELF so harshly about not going.  I'll go when I'm ready.  See?  No timeline means I win!!  Keep your judgy eye to yourself, jerk brain.
• Cleaning my house every day.  This is another thing that sounds great in theory - clean a bit every day so it doesn't pile up.  I mean, a room a day?  Or just dusting?  Or swiffering?  How easy, right?  Who DOESN'T want to come home to a house that's in need of cleaning after a long day at work PLUS a hellish commute and just roll up her sleeves and grab those paper towels and have at it.  I can barely manage to go through the mail and deal with the kitchen so we have clean dishes every day.  And fuck, I just realized I need to empty the dishwasher.  This bullshit never ends.  
• Being more fiscally responsible.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I believe I am PERSONALLY in debt to China to the tune of a kajillion dollars.  Fucking student loans.  How about this:  I'll be more fiscally responsible when the banks are.  

Yeah, so, that's what I've got today.  I think this about concludes my summing up of my holiday experience.  Fun, fun and then a smack in the face.  Kind of like a night out with Chris Brown.  Or Jackson Browne.  Pretty much stop dating anyone named Brown[e].  It won't end well.

The Return of Suniverse Part 2 - The Empire Strikes Back

Thanks for all your lovely comments from yesterday's post.  I REALLY MISSED YOU!!!

As I discussed, we had two holiday parties - one for friends and one for family.  Every year, I have everyone at my house Christmas Day.  My family.  My in-laws.  My aunt and cousins. This year we also had my favorite brother-in-law and sister-in-law, plus my cousins' grandmother.  Lots of loving, lovely people.

I also had PMS.

I did pretty well.  I was wiped out and tired and a bit cranky, and I worked Christmas Eve, but I still managed to only fight with the husband once.  Unfortunately, I yelled at him in front of my sister-in-law. 

To whom I apologized.  Profusely.

Not so much to the husband.  He totally deserved it - seriously.  Just take my word for it. 

Oh.  We also fought New Year's Eve.  Way to ring in the New Year, right?  Man, we have difficulty communicating when we're tired.

I guess the holidays are stressful.

[Next year, I plan on being out of town.  Alone.  Except you can join me.]

Incidentally, we actually made plans for next New Year's Eve, because the past few ones have been L-A-M-E.  Literal snooze fests, in that I've fallen asleep anywhere between 9 and 11pm.  Only to be woken up at midnight, because why not?  It's obviously important for me to be alert and coherent when Dick Clark creeps out a nation at the witching hour.

On the plus side of the holiday extravaganza, I also got to use a mandoline for the first time and holy kitchen awesomeness, people.  It's like a miracle!  I want to rapidly slice EVERYTHING.

The one I used was black, but still fucking awesome.

I can't explain how boring my life is now that I've had to return it.  Valentine's Day is coming up.

I also got new dishes from the husband.  Really nice plates that make me feel like I'm eating a nice restaurant instead of in my tiny dining area, bitching about the cat hair on my black cloth chair cushions and trying to ignore the noise of the t.v. blaring.  A girl can dream, right?

Tune in tomorrow, for . . . I'm not sure what, yet.  Something good.

***********

Speaking of something good - I've got a new post up at Secret Society of List Makers.  All about my health.  Mmm . . . mediciney.

Aaaaannnndddd I'm back [Part 1 - The Return of Suniverse]

Did you miss me?

I missed you.  I did.  Really.

Although I was amazed at how quickly I stopped thinking of every marginally interesting thing that happened as blog fodder.

Still.

I missed you.

It was a refreshing break, if by refreshing I mean that I'm looking forward to blogging again and not refreshing as in Summer's Eve type refreshing, because my bajingo is just fine as it is, thanks. 

Seriously? How does that even seem like a good idea?

Anyway.

Where was I? Oh! Yes.  A refreshing break.

I had a nice-ish holiday season, considering the fact that the husband and I both worked a ton of hours and had TWO parties within in two weeks.  Which were fun.  Except for the crippling anxiety which swamped me about an hour before each party.

That was NOT fun.

But it didn't last, and I managed to enjoy myself.  To wit:

Our Holiday Extravaganza!

Every year for the past several years we've had a holiday party for our friends.  The past two years we've invited family, too, which is fine, but only our cousins/siblings.  Meaning people our age.  Which evidently angers my mother and one of my aunts, who are PISSED that they don't get invited.  Even though I'm not sure why they want to come ESPECIALLY since they are at my house ONE WEEK LATER for beef tenderloin and presents instead of hors d'oeurves and booze with people 20 years younger than they are.

This year, I ended up inviting a ton of people and they almost all came.  Seriously.  My house was a sardine can. Which was fine, because who doesn't like a crowd?  And they all seemed to have a good time.  And the food was yummy and I finally broke down and bought an ice bucket, but it's not one I really like, so I'm on the hunt for a swankier ice bucket.  Something that exudes cool.  [HAHAHA - did you see what I did there? No? Yeah, never mind.]  Yeah, so, any ideas for a kicking ice bucket that's kind of NOT EXPENSIVE [seriously, Martha Stewart? It's not made of gold.] just let me know.  It's a total invite to next year's party.

I like our holiday party, because everybody gets dressed up [this year I wore a red tea length dress with a black cardigan - my sister nixed the idea of a white cardigan because she said I'd look like Santa Clause] and I am an ardent believer in people looking nice when they are out in public.  Yes, yes I get the whole we should be comfortable thing, but if you are not comfortable in your nice clothing, then you need to go up a size.  I understand you're more comfortable in your sweats; no less an authority on fashion as Cher [from the cinema classic Clueless, not from . . . well, being Cher] admits that her going out clothes are so bindy, but come on.  You can surely find SOMETHING cute to wear.

Alicia Silverstone is many kinds of awesome.  Also, I really, really miss long jackets and short skirts.  Is that a thing still?  Because it rocks.

And, because I love that movie so much, and I loathe bad fashion choices so much, I'll add this:

Cher Horowitz: So okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair - ew - and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so.

Amen, Cher.  A. Men.

Where was I?

Oh.  O.k.  Party.  So - we have our party and we get dressed up and people talk and laugh and eat and drink and come and go and bring bottles of wine and champagne and delicious, delicious snacks and treats and the party lasts kind of late even though I go to bed.  This year, I stayed up until 1:00!  AM!! In the morning! I was so proud of myself, although what has ended up happening is that for the past week or so I've been falling asleep at around 9:30pm. Yeah.  Party animal.

I really like entertaining, and the husband and I have gotten pretty good at it.  He had to work the day of the party, so my mom [who, did I mention, was NOT invited?] and my sister and the girl and I finished up the day of prep.  Which was pretty minimal, since I opted not to go overboard on the food, which was fine, since people like to bring stuff.  Or at least the people we know like to bring stuff. Or at least they say the do.  The could be lying to my face and talking about me behind my back.  You never know.

I was find until people started showing up, at which point I had this horrific anxiety crazy panic lunacy where I suddenly just did NOT want to deal with people.  Like I was afraid that they'd all run screaming if I talked to them or suddenly find something else to do or somewhere else to be. 

I don't know.

It was weird. 

But then I settled down and had fun and talked and laughed and ate and drank my delicious sparkling water and talked some more and then went to bed while the husband stayed up with the last guests.

And the entire time?

MY HAIR LOOKED FUCKING AMAZING.

Seriously. 

Kind of like if you crossed the hair of these two photos:

About this length and color PLUS

This kind of loose curl = AWESOME!

Seriously.  I was thrilled and made sure everyone noticed how awesome it looked.

Hmmm . . . maybe people WERE trying to get away from me?

O.k., that's Part One of my Return.  More tomorrow on who knows what.

XO,

Suniverse